On being "Enough"

This past year I've had a lot more people tell me things like "you're so confident..." " you seem so sure of yourself..." I typically laugh and respond by saying "thank you" or something cheeky like "I know..." What a lot of people don't realize is the long process it has taken to make it to this point in life. I am by no means where I want to be, but I think its good to reflect on how far I've come.

It's easy to see confidence when a lot of what we share on social media is mostly good hardly do we ever share THE STRUGGLE. To be honest a part of me wants that girl to stay in the dark. I've worked really hard to be where I'm at. I often try to forget "that" girl who spent hours wondering why she was never "enough." However, in effort to remain honest I want to share and shed some light on one dimension of that story.

I've struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life coupled with low self-esteem from an array of reasons, I'm not going magnify on those things or try to play victim, they are real things, things I still struggle with in different seasons of life but I've made ample progress and learned to fight through it all.

Growing up I was always bigger and remember people would make comments about my sister and me (we're only a year apart) they would say things like "oh Liz is so beautiful..." Then smile at me and walk away... In middle/ high school the boys always made sure they told me how beautiful she was "Your sister is so hot tell her I said 'HI'.." While inside thinking (WHAT ABOUT ME?!) lol of course by then my role as the "ugly, little, fat, smart sister" had settled in. I lived in her shadow, she was beautiful and I was not. LOL looking back it's so stupid and seems so trivial but those words stuck like glue in my mind. The constant need for reassurance that never showed up and pesky phrases people would spew, unknowing of the real impact they caused - hurt.

2014

I was in a really dark place emotionally, spiritually, and it was manifesting physically. There are few pictures of me because I hated how I looked. I just remember feeling so gross and spending so much of my time crying, crying myself to sleep and waking up with tears in my eyes.

Those pictures make me cringe ahahahah.

At the turn of the new year like anyone I made resolutions. I resolved to begin a new journey, I knew there wasn't a miracle pill or a quick and easy way, I was going to have to work hard and stay committed... Running was too hard, so I had to resolve to walking at first LOL.

2015

I saw change- on the outside. I saw the confidence flicker in and out of my life like a light switch, come and go, come and go. Long enough for me to continue, but still not on long enough for me to actually grasp hold of.

2016

By 2016 I was training and my body was stronger. No longer was I just walking, I was running, running hard and long! I trained and ran a 10k and a half marathon. Looking back these two events were mile stones in my life. Internally I was still working through a lot of pain, loss, and confusion. I remember the doubters continuing to make comments like "oh you can run?" I'd half smile and use it as fuel to help push me on the longer, harder runs. I still hated what I saw in the mirror, if I'm honest. That girl was so confused and just wanted someone to validate her, love her, and tell her she was ENOUGH. However, the flicker started to stay a while longer, It was like a dim candle. Subtle, yet it wasn't being put out as easy.

2017

Spring of 2017 I was the happiest I had been in a long time. Still thinking back on that sweet season, I smile. A lot of growth had happened and I felt like a little sprout started to shoot up through the soil. The previous years had been dark but a lot of work was being done internally, which in turn finally began to give birth externally. I smiled a lot more, I was actually looking in the mirror and seeing past the girl that I hated and started to hold a stare with the woman in the mirror, all while wondering.. is this really me? I began to wear makeup on the daily and attempt to look "cute." In the back of my mind the question ever present kept circling, "am I enough yet?"

2018

I joined a gym! After sole runs and finally plateauing I decided to join one of our local and very reputable gyms in the area. 2018 was a year filled with celebration, excitement, and joy. I started to walk out in knowing not only was I brilliant but I could also maybe be beautiful... like it wasn't a catwalk or anything it was more of a timid, hesitant walk, but a walk never-the-less. Guys were finally interested me in and the much sought after crave for attention had arrived. I had lost nearly 60 lbs total since 2015, no tricks, no short cuts, no herbal life, no protein, no supplements, and no keto. "What does enough look like..." I didn't know how to answer that and it continued to circle. I "thought" there would be this moment of "I did it, I made it.." but I waited and it never really came.

2019

What I've learned: here we go

The constant need for validation and approval which did eventually show up- was always at the mercy of other people. I only felt "enough" as long as someone else was there assuring me, at times it came from a man in other moments it came from strangers. However, this year this Spring I have learned that I needed to be the one that reassured me- I was ENOUGH. I am ENOUGH.

Let me say that louder for the people in the back, me. It's me, Im the people in the back.

I NEEDED TO BE THE ONE THAT REASSURED ME- I. WAS. ENOUGH.

To some extent I had played myself, I genuinely thought that if I reached this ideal body image and looked like something.. I would finally be happy. The truth is I reached it, I attained some sort of version of that image, I got the validation, I had guys whispering in my ear saying all the "right" things. Yet, I-ME-YO- needed to be the one to validate myself. I had to stare at myself long and hard in the mirror this spring wrestle with what I saw and what I wanted to see... and all alone remind myself I am worthy to be loved, that there is nothing wrong with me, and even if I do ever reach 150 (goal weight) if I couldn't love me for me now, I would still find issues with the 150 lb version of me.

Don't get me wrong, I want to be healthy, I want to be strong, I want to be the best version of me in every season of life. However, I have been learning to just love me - quirks and all.

This doesn't just happen over night, it's working through years of moments, and situations that inadvertently planted seeds of "not enough."

It's funny that people on the outside can see one thing, while never being truly being exposed to the myriad of things going on inside. There's a saying in spanish that translates to "only the one who stirs the pot knows all what goes inside." I have always struggled with loving me for me, and it will continue to be a fight for the rest of my life but I want this season of life to be a season where I don't shy away from the mirror and don't hate what I see because I know I have worked so hard and have come such a long way, and by God I am proud of myself for that!

With love,

- Caro G