Marriage, Love: and happy endings?

Three eras of life that summate my notions on marriage.

1. I don't want to get married: Childhood/ late 20's.

2. Praying for my future "perfect" husband that is going to fall from heaven: Early 20's

3. Wow, I'm actually getting married: present day.

I grew up in a culture that made me feel like I needed to be married and baring children by 24. Family and friends who love me but would continually meet me with statements and questions, "when are you going to be done with school?" "that's a lot of education, but you'll die alone if you don't hurry and find someone." "When are you having kids?" "Don't you want kids, this is the time." "Once you mature, you'll want children and a husband." "You're so pretty, why aren't you with someone?" "You're too pretty to be alone."

A grandma who once told me "wow you're mom taught you how to work and study, but you can't cook. What a waste, no man is going to want you." And a mom who would say "I want you to marry a doctor or a lawyer."

Inconsequential statements, but made to make me feel like my value was insignificant if I was not married or baring children. Statements which also made me feel like I needed to marry "the right one."

At times it made me feel small and hurt. I was made to feel like I didn't know what I wanted. I was made to feel like I was immature for not doing what everyone else around me was doing. I was made to feel like I was defying the laws of nature and somehow rebelling with my decisions.

I wish I would have been met with grace. "Talk to me about your choices in choosing to not have children." "Why don't you want to get married?" "You seem so interested in pursing and working on your own education, why is it so important to you?"

I wish I would have been met with compassion. "It's okay if you don't want a husband or children. You're value is not defined by the children you have or the spouse you marry."

I wish I would have been met with respect. "Those are your decisions, and you have the right to feel and act like that."

I think that if I would have been met from a point of understanding vs. a place of "I know better" the conversation would have mirrored one of: "because I saw a very dysfunctional marriage and I'm afraid of repeating that." "I'm incredibly afraid of ending up divorced" "I don't want to raise children alone." "I lived in a single parent home, and 10/10 don't recommend it." "I'm scared, that'll I'll mess it up." "Im afraid of being with someone who is going to hurt me."

We're talking years of trauma and abuse that I saw and experienced. We joke a lot about how girls with daddy issues are constantly running into relationships and longing to be loved. Yet, this girl spent most of her time and energy running hard in the opposite direction. Self sabotaging, choosing terrible situationships with men who were emotionally unavailable. In some ways I knew I would not stick around because I knew better, but didn't know enough to know my worth and that I didn't have to be there in the first place.

I was trying to beat myself to the punch of "it didn't work out." but I knew it wouldn't work out. An internal conversation that went to the tune of, "don't be upset it didn't workout, because you knew it wouldn't, you didn't even want it to. (Some of you are very confused with that logic, others of you are fully aware of this logic and know exactly. what I mean.)

Then serendipity happened. Rey messaged me out of the blue. We joke and talk about that initial conversation a lot. He knew who I was, he was afraid to message me. He didn't think I would respond. He also had nothing to lose. I, I was bored. I was in between semesters and looking to make poor choices to get my mind off of things. I was also mistaken.

The rest is history.

Now as I write this I am in the home stretch of a full Mexican wedding with all the bells, cathedral veils, and mariachi anyone could dream of. However, I am also reflective of the journey it has been.

I write all of this for a couple of reasons:

1. Be mindful when talking to people whose life looks different than you think it should look.

People with good intentions ask very curious and inquisitive questions. Often because they're just making conversation. I met with a girlfriend of mine (married and barren) a few months ago and one thing we talked about was how to navigate conversations like that. She said something that I just love and think about, "Don't ask deep questions, unless you're willing to sit there and actually listen because you care." We are so quick to give our unsolicited advice, (I'm guilty too) without taking the time to actually listen and understand why people find themselves in certain situations.

2. Not everyone wants the same things you want

Some people care about status, education, and money. Others care about sharing the same moral values and common interest. Both are fine, and both can co-exist. Neither is more important, however respect is. Respect looks like: Not making people feel bad because they're marrying someone that "isn't good enough" because they don't have the same level of education, a certain job or social status. Respect feel likes: trust & safety.

3. Not being a season that everyone else seemingly is in, is OK.

We live in such a paradox culture. A culture that tells us to live our best lives, casually date, do what we want, focus on the "me", but at the same time shoves "love" and fairytales down our throat. (Think about all the rom-com movies, holiday commercials, tik-tok trends) Not being in a relationship is okay. Not knowing what you want or what you're searching for is okay. Not wanting a family is okay. Not wanting to start over after being divorced is okay. Not fully getting over the unspoken pain that only you know about is okay too. You are loved and fully accepted as you are.

To baby Carito who made an inner pack of "I never want to end up like my parents", you are loved and will end up married, but it will not be like anything you've seen, because God redeems.

To early 20's Caro, your husband is far from perfect and did not in fact fall from heaven. However, he does love you dearly and is in constant pursuit of you to ensure you feel safe, loved, and accepted.

To present day Caro, God's goodness super exceeds all of your un-prayed prayers and deep longings. You are in fact getting married and with the help of God you will navigate through all of life's uncertain and rocky seasons, but never alone.

May God's goodness and grace continue to be with everyone in these uncertain times. My prayer continues to be that we find healing in our personal journey and that in sharing these thoughts and writings they resonate with someone.

With love always,

Caro. G