Grit vs. Grind: and learning when it's okay to quit

I was raised in a culture that engraved in me the saying, "winners never quit and quitters never win."

I remember being eight and part of the "monthly trot" era. Our PE coach would have us run, skip, or hop for an extended period of time usually starting at four minutes going up to eight minutes without walking. If we walked, we had to go to a center circle with other "walkers."

At the end of the year students who completed all the monthly trots were awarded awards and recognized. There was always a since of satisfaction coupled with the ability to say "I ran for seven minutes without walking." Part of it had to do with the fact I was always a chubbier kid. As well as a lot of my friends were smaller and struggled, so it made me feel good I could keep up and accomplish something, a lot of other students could not. There was always a since of satisfaction and pride that came with every month.

Recently, I took a job offer and like any new job it was difficult. It was new and it would require a lot of extra hours to really get a handle on it. Days turned into weeks and into months. Instead of feeling that sense of satisfaction like when I was eight and was completing those monthly trots, I was met with frustration. ALL these hours invested, ALL this work, ALL these never ending list of to-do's... I just felt flustered and exhausted that I could not get my bearings.

I kept asking myself "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just enjoy work like I use-to? Why am I struggling to find the resilience that I know I have?"

I have never been someone who works for Friday, or counts down for a break. Yet, I found myself literally every morning repeating, "3 hours till first break" "1 hour till lunch," "Half way through the week," "2 weeks till our next Monday off."

I was. completely. miserable.

In the back of my head the never ending voice of shame, "if you quit this you'll be a quitter in everything you do." Coupled with the resilient voice that reminded me, "Caroline YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS." However why was this different that training for my half marathon? Why did this feel completely 180 from previous challenges? Why was every little win, not met with "okay, we can do this!" But rather, "god, okay just take a deep breath and keep it moving.."

Finally, it hit me like a cold bucket of water on a hot September night I was grinding and not gritting my way through. let me explain:

Redound researcher and storyteller who's spent two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy Dr. Brene Brown, put it like this:

grit is internally focused while grind is externally focused. In other words, grit is about me (my grit), grind is about what others will think.

All those other things I had set out to do, accomplish, and work for were because they were things I wanted to accomplish. I'll never forget sitting in my car after one of the hardest semesters of grad school. I had just submitted over 150 hours worth of research and work for my dissertation proposal. Crying, in a pool of tears. Yes, the ugly ones. Not because it was over, but because I did it. I sat there incredibly proud of the work I had produced. The hours I had invested, my work. I remember thinking "idc, if I score poorly, Idc what the grade is, idc. I did it. I literally just submitted a research proposal defending why my research is necessary and lacking in the academic world. That was grit.

Grind on the other hand, are those pesky thoughts that I kept fighting at my job. "My family is going to be so ashamed of me because I can't do this." "They (my mom) expect me to be in this field, and move up." "There is so much money invested already, I need to be able to do this and do it well." "What will people say if I quit?" "What else can I possibly do?" Not to put my mom on blast, but I remember going back and forth in endless conversations that went to the tune of, "I didn't know I raised losers and quitters." (My mom means well, but she's tough as nails. I of course have always just tried to appease and keep her happy. However, that's a whole different conversation lol) I think you're picking up what I am putting down, this, this is grind.

Grind is always focused on the outward and appearance. How I am perceived, titles, championing's, and awards. Those things are not bad, but if you are working for solely that, it will take out the joy in whatever you put your hand to.

Finally, I ran into an old friend from grad school. We were catching up and talking about life etc. and she goes "hey I saw you were doing that, how did that happen? Remember you never wanted to do that?" I just looked at her and the second bucket of water came in even colder and quicker than ever.

"You're right." I stated.

I never wanted to do that.

I never wanted to be doing what I was doing.

I was so caught up in the "Caroline, you're a natural." "you do such a great job, it feels like you've been doing this for a while." the compliments and constant positive re-enforcement that I forgot I was working for an external cause and not that internal satisfaction with other "hard things" I had done before.

So where does that leave me now? Jobless.

Honestly, leaving where I was, was extremely hard. The security part is always nice, I knew that little paycheck would be coming in and doing more than enough to supplement my expenses. It's always easier to stay in that net of safety and security for me. It's easy to stay in what I know, rather than take a step into the unknown. But, God.

Here we go. But, God being gracious and good has never left me nor forsaken me. He has always provided a way for me and in whatever season I am. I trust that He will put me exactly where I need to be in this next season doing whatever it is I am suppose to do. I do believe there was a purpose for me being where I was. I believe that it He showed me so much about myself during this season.

So when is it okay to QUIT?

Quit when you no longer find joy in it. Not happiness, joy. Happiness varies, but joy is consistent when you're working toward something or doing something you love. If that joy is not longer there, reconsider.

Quit when you're so focused on the public and their opinions of what they will say or think if you don't do it anymore.

THEY'RE OPINIONS DON'T PAY YOUR BILLS.

YOU DO.

Quit, when you find yourself walking down a path that is destructive and coping with addictive behaviors, for me it was overeating. For you it may be something else.

Quit, when you don't recognize yourself in mirror, asking yourself "Who are you?" Sense of self is crucial, If you no longer recognize that person in the mirror then it's time to take a step back and reflect on what matters.

My hope is that in the sorting of my thoughts it helps others. Maybe you find yourself in a season where you're grinding your way through. I pray that God comforts and reassures you in all the things you put your hand to, whether It be your dream job or just a temporary stepping stone. I pray that whatever you're going through you find comfort in his love that regardless of what you choose to do. I pray you are reminded our identity does not come from titles or outward accomplishments but rather in who he says you are.

Stay cool with love always,

Caro. G