Being present

By way of confession: I am not a good swimmer... When I was little my mom would send my older sister, my little brother, and me to swim lessons in hopes that we would learn. I distinctly remember one memory as a child: We had gone down to Padre for a family trip and were out on the beach. I remember watching my dad take on the water as if it was second nature, he swam so effortlessly and made it look easy. He would disappear in one spot and reappear minutes later in another. My mom would panic, he on the other hand- made a game of it... However, I was always bumping into other students, trying not to drown, while BSing my way through some warm-up. Yet, summer after summer I'd show up to swim class wearing some god awful swimsuit, smile, and cautiously get in the water because that's just the type of person I am.

I remember one summer we were practicing jumping off the diving board and swimming to the ledge of the pool, I was terrified. I was scared of the water and I am terrified of heights. lol but big sis was there and she had done it, little brother was watching, and the embarrassment of climbing down the stairs was far worse than the idea of drowning in the deep end.. So I climbed to the top, looked down at the water, closed my eyes, plugged my nose, let out a big yelp, then jumped. I remember hitting the water. Quickly, I began frantically pushing up and swimming to the surface with everything inside me... seconds feel more like minutes when all you want to do is catch your breath. Once at the top I gasped, and started swimming. I just began swimming I didn't even open my eyes. I swam and I swam and I swam.

"Shouldn't I have made it already... keep paddling."

"I am so tired... keep paddling.. just keep pushing.."

"Why am I not at the ledge... keep paddling." Then finally I felt the floor beneath me and I opened my eyes.

I realized I missed my turn when I reached the surface 50 yards back and had ended up swimming to the shallow end.

This memory is one of those memories that I carry with me, even now as an adult. However, one of the reasons I think it's so powerful is because it serves as a perfect word picture for the type of person I am trying to break away from.

I am one of those people that will set a goal, close my eyes, jump, but forget to open my eyes once the initial leap happens! So when I accomplish my goal, instead of celebrating and seeing how far I have come and what I did, I'm just tired, out of breath. and glad it's over.

I remember when I reached the end of the pool instead of feeling accomplished, I felt embarrassed and I wondered if the other kids thought I was just showing off. I was just so ashamed and wanted the lesson to be done, I couldn't even rejoice in that moment.

Maybe you're like me and just pushing so hard to hit those goals that you're forgetting to open your eyes and look around... or maybe I'm the only one gritting my teeth while overly exhausting myself worrying about what other people think. lol idk.

I don't have the answers - I don't have a remedy.

I just know, I am working on being present.

I have set out to accomplish more goals, but instead of envisioning the finish line, I just want to show up every day and find joy in the little things.

My prayer is this:

God give me eyes to see the little blessings in everyday life. Help me see your hand over the small equally as I see it over the big. Give me a heart that is not full of anxiety, let me find rest in you. In Jesus name, amen.